So Confused...

I have a nasty cold and it is impeding my ability to get a good night’s sleep. I was up at 5A today watching some Olympics and surfing the web. I had a new email from the Peace Corps stating that my status had been updated. I signed into the My Toolkit website and had a note regarding my medical evaluation, “A decision has been reached regarding your clearance. You will receive a letter in the mail.” Seriously, the mail…and after such a carrot being dropped.

I have been able to put the Peace Corps out of my mind a bit in the last few months. A new job and grad school graduation filled my time, and after mailing my medical evaluation paperwork in September 2009, I was forced to put the idea of becoming a Peace Corp Volunteer out of my mind. I knew it would be months before my paperwork was reviewed.

As time passes and the month of May draws closer, I feel more and more like I am living two lives. One as a future Peace Corps Volunteer in the Caucasus Region of Eastern Europe and the other as a recent MBA graduate looking for some work and life stability after six years of school. Every day I seem to have a different answer to the “Are you going to do the Peace Corps thing?” One thing that comes up is that I really never thought I would get through the medical clearance hurdle (and I still haven’t), so I have yet to diligently prepare for living in a developing country for two years. I have a job I love, at a place I really enjoy, with great people and with a minimal income.

Every time I take a shower I think about living without running hot water for two years. Armenia has a climate much like Colorado. Now take away central heat/air and insulation and running hot water…and do I really want to live in such an environment for two years. This is a big commitment and will completely change every angle of life as I know it.

For the past week or so I have been thinking more and more about my potential Peace Corps service. What it means to me? What it means to my family? I have reading current Peace Corps Volunteer blogs and catching up with Armenia volunteers who are in their first year. My tummy does flips flops when I read about another volunteer going home. The Armenia 2009 team began with 50 people, staged with 48 trainees in May of 2009 and are now down to 42 volunteers. How does that happen? Could I be one who goes and decides it just isn’t for me? Armenia is exactly halfway around the world from Oregon, exactly 12 hours ahead, 7,000 miles from my life comforts and support team. How does one survive in such conditions without family for so long?

The “letter” should be here on Wednesday or Thursday and it could completely change my life. WOW!!! Sometimes I think, is it bad that I would prefer to be medically deferred or denied, so the decision is made for me. Because I am telling all of you now that if that letter states I have been cleared medically, I will jump for joy, but still have no clue what I will do come May.